Divorce is tough. It’s tough for the adults, and it’s equally difficult for children, who often feel like they don’t have a say in the process. As adults navigating through a divorce, our emotional processing and journey are complicated and often overwhelming. Likewise, our children are also processing a great deal of emotions that they may or may not be able to verbalize. In an effort to guide our children, as we attempt to guide ourselves, let’s take a look at the complex emotions that our children are coping with during and after a separation and divorce, the reasons why, and what we can do to facilitate our children’s transitions.
What are Some of the Emotions Our Children Are Processing During a Divorce and through Co-Parenting?
Our children experience a myriad of emotions that can vary from day to day and moment to moment. Some of these feelings include:
- Anger:
- Our children may feel angry that their family structure has changed, and they may not like this new configuration or switching between houses.
- Sadness and Grief:
- They may mourn the loss of the family dynamic they once knew.
- Anxiety:
- Feeling worried about what the future holds, such as if parents may date or move in with another person, and worry about not liking the change
- Guilt:
- Sometimes, our children blame themselves and believe that they did something that resulted in their parents not being married any longer.
- They also feel torn for loving each parent while knowing the anger/resentment/tension that exists between their parents.
- Confusion and Loneliness:
- Our children can feel overwhelmed by the amount of change.
- They may feel “different” than their friends and don’t want their friends to know of their parents’ divorce.
- Kids can feel isolated and alone, especially when there isn’t flexibility in spending time with friends if parents have moved to different households or are not open to coordinating and driving their children to playdates and social events during their parenting time.
- Relief:
- In the case of a parental relationship that was ridden with conflict, tension and arguments, children may feel relieved when their parents have separated and the arguments are happening as often.
Transitions are Hard
For children of any age, shifting from home to home is stressful. This process alone can result in the experience of many emotions, and this is especially true for younger children who may not be able to really understand what is happening and why.
Why are transitions so difficult?
- Separation Anxiety:
- Leaving one parent to be with the other parent can create feelings of sadness and anxiety, even when the child has a positive relationship with both parents and enjoys being with the other parent.
- Emotional Adjustment:
- Switching from one home to another requires time to adjust to the physical space and the different expectations and standards of that parent.
- Parental Behavior and Communication:
- Children feel anxious and tense when one parent speaks negatively about the other parent
- Remember, our children deserve to love each of their parents and have a positive relationship with both.
How to Support Your Child During Transitions
Here are a few things that we can do, as parents, to help our children with transitions from one parent’s home to the next.. and back:
- Maintain consistent routines:
- Maintain short and positive goodbyes and welcomes
- Encourage emotional expression
- Maintain communication with the other parent about upcoming events so that both parents are plugged in to the child’s world equally
When we are able to understand our child’s experience as their parent, it gives us the ability to create the physical and emotional environment that will facilitate the transitions that our children experience. It is equally important to gain the rest that you need as a parent when you are not parenting so that you can be physically and emotionally available to your child/children when they are in your care again.
