First, let me tip my hat to all the parents and caregivers who are doing it on their own. You are a one-person force of nature. You are the master of your domain. You are Oz behind the curtain and in front of the curtain. And if you are caring for a child with special needs, let us multiply all of that by a factor of ten.
There was a period in my life when I did not leave the house. My oldest son Charlie was three and my twins were one. It was not by choice. Charlie’s cerebral palsy meant limited movement, but he had not yet received his first wheelchair. The twins had just begun to crawl everywhere. It was not controlled chaos. It was just chaos. I worried for their safety in public places where I needed to be there for Charlie and they wanted to roam. The three-person stroller was difficult/impossible to maneuver for longer than a walk around the block. Because of all this, we stayed within walking distance of our house for a very long time.
Flash forward to today. My twins are about to turn eleven and Charlie is thirteen. Some things are much easier. The twins can pack their lunches and get themselves dressed and off to school. But some things are harder. Their emotional needs are larger and varied – friend drama, sports drama, school drama. Charlie’s needs are different too. He is stable physically. But once again we are in between wheelchairs and so rely on his jogging stroller to keep him comfortable. Much like the three-person stroller, it is almost unmanageable alone. Also, I cannot lift him without help. We do not yet have a manual lift at home. And much like his brother and sister, his emotions are all over the place – a typical teen in that way.
Because of all this, solo parenting has been unthinkable. Until this past spring when it became inevitable. My husband needed to take my younger son to his soccer tournament four hours away. It would be overnight. I would be alone with Charlie and his sister. That meant getting her to a sleepover, a soccer game of her own, and a horseback riding lesson, as well as meeting all of Charlie’s needs. Unless I wanted him to be in his bed for up to forty-eight hours, I was going to have to figure something out.
I am a planner by nature, and now necessity. In the weeks before this trip, I practiced all the things that scared me. Solo diaper changes. Solo bedtimes. Solo lifts in and out of the jogging stroller. By the time the weekend rolled around, I was as ready as I would ever be.
And you know what? It was incredible. We listened to Bob Marley on full volume on the porch. I called my mom to relieve me long enough to take my daughter to her activities and pick up much-needed Sonic shakes for all of us. I gave Charlie a bed bath. I massaged his legs. I stayed up late with him watching YouTube videos of NPR Tiny Desk concerts.
How did I do it, you ask? This clue was in that last paragraph. I got help. I pulled my mom in as a reinforcement. She was my backup plan and also good company when the task at hand felt isolating.
The truth is, we never know what we are capable of until we try (or are left with no other option). The truth is also…we do not have to do the alone part alone. Even solo parents, maybe especially solo parents, understand the importance of asking for help when you need it. Do what you can and ask for help for the rest.
Jamie Sumner is a special needs mom and author.
Jamie-Sumner.com
Author of the middle-grade novels:
